The Quran about intimate relationships

In the name of God, the Gracious, the Merciful.

And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may live with them. He placed between you love and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought! (30:21)

In the modern world, the intimate relationship between a man and a woman is basically reduced to two kinds – with obligations and without obligations. The most optimal form of intimate relations is relations with certain obligations.

In the Quran, such a relationship is designated by the term “nikyahun“, the root of which is the word “nakaha“, meaning “intimate relationships, copulation“.

To enter into relations with obligations in the Prescription of God there are certain rules, such as:

the ban on a secret meeting (in private) before the matchmaking

There is no offense upon you if you make an offer of betrothal to women or if you conceal it within yourselves. God knows that you will have them in mind. But do not date with them secretly except if you have already said approved words of betrothal. And do not determine to undertake intimate ties (,ukdan nikyahi) until the decreed period reaches its end. And know that God knows what is within yourselves, so beware of Him. And know that God is Forgiving and Forbearing! (2:235)

2. a full-fledged agreement

And how could you take it while you have gone in unto each other and they have taken from you a solemn covenant? (4:21)

3. Kalym, stipulated by the agreement (adjr)

Those of you, who have no means and power to be bound by intimate ties (ankiha) with believing women inaccessible without the covenant, let them live with those that are dependent on you, from your believing servants. And God is most knowing about your faith.

One of you belongs to one another. So enter into an intimate life with them with the permission of their owner and give to the ones, inaccessible without the covenant, their due compensation, if you are not depraved and not taking secret lovers, being inaccessible without the covenant. (4:25)

O, prophet, indeed We have made lawful to you your wives to whom you have given their due compensation (udjurahum)… (33:50)

…And there is no sin upon you if you enter into intimacy (tankihuhunna) with them when you have given them their due compensation (udjurahum)… (60:10)

In the Quran for the believers are shown people with whom you cannot enter into intimacy:

And do not have intimate relationships (tankihu) with women, who ascribe partners to God until they believe that there is only one God. And a believing servant woman is better than the one, who ascribe partners to God, even though she might please you. And do not have intimate relationships (tunkihu) with men, who ascribe partners to God, until they believe that there is only one God. And a believing servant is better than the one, who ascribe partners to God, even though he might please you. Those who ascribe partners to God invite to the fire, but God invites to the garden and to forgiveness, by His permission. And He makes clear His signs to the people that perhaps they may remember! (2:221)

Male fornicator has no right to have intimate relationships (yankihu) except with a female fornicator or the one who ascribe partners to God. Female fornicator has no right to have intimate relationships (yankihuhu) except with a male fornicator or the one who ascribe partners to God. That has been made unlawful to the believers! (24:3)

And do not enter into intimate relationships (tankihu) with those women whom your fathers had intimate relationships (nakaha), except what has already occurred. Indeed, it is excessive, hateful and the way of evil.

Prohibited to you for intimate relationships are your mothers, your daughters, your sisters, your father’s sisters, your mother’s sisters, your brother’s daughters, your sister’s daughters, your milk mothers who nursed you, your sisters through nursing, your wives’ mothers, and your step-daughters under your guardianship born of your wives unto whom you have gone in, but if you have not gone in unto them, there is no offence upon you if you have intimacy with them, and wives of your sons who are from your own loins. It is prohibited to gather together two sisters, except for what has already occurred.

Prohibited are women who are inaccessible without the covenant, except for those dependent on you, prescribed to you by God. (4:22-24)

The stumbling block among Muslims in understanding the intimate relationships between a man and a woman is 24th ayat of the 4th Surah of the Quran.

And [also prohibited to you are all] married women except those your right hands possess. [This is] the decree of Allah upon you. And lawful to you are [all others] beyond these, [provided] that you seek them [in marriage] with [gifts from] your property, desiring chastity, not unlawful sexual intercourse. So for whatever you enjoy [of marriage] from them, give them their due compensation as an obligation. And there is no blame upon you for what you mutually agree to beyond the obligation. Indeed, Allah is ever Knowing and Wise. (translation by Sahih International 4:24)

Relying on this passage, some Muslims concluded that an intimate relationship is possible, in which the main component is payment for the pleasure received from a man. However, this is fundamentally wrong, as it is no different from prostitution. Misleading is introduced by the interpretation of the words “istamtatum bihi.” Traditionally, this phrase is interpreted as “enjoying them, using them“, i.e. women. This meaning is understood by some Muslims as permission for an intimate relationship with a woman without obligations, and after the pleasure received, it is easy to reward it. But such an understanding is fundamentally wrong. The meaning of the phrase “istamtatum bihi” is translated as “use it“, grammatically applied to the subject of the masculine gender and refers to “property” in the context of the passage. Therefore, this expression cannot be attributed to women. In the light of the above argument, the following translation of s4a24 is proposed:

You are allowed what is behind this list, so that you strive for intimate relationships with your wealth, being inaccessible without the covenant, not depraved. For that you are using prosperity, give women their established right of compensation. There is no offence for you in what you will be satisfied with each other after the established right of compensation. Verily, God is Forgiving, Merciful, Knowing, Wise! (4:24)

Relations with obligations are disclosed from 22 to 25 ayats:

And do not enter into intimate relationships with those women whom your fathers had intimate relationships, except what has already occurred. Indeed, it is excessive, hateful and the way of evil.

Prohibited are women who are inaccessible without the covenant, except for those dependent on you, prescribed to you by God. You are allowed what is behind this list, so that you strive for intimate relationships with your wealth, being inaccessible without the covenant, not depraved. For that you are using prosperity, give women their established right of compensation. There is no offence for you in what you will be satisfied with each other after the established right of compensation. Verily, God is Forgiving, Merciful, Knowing, Wise!

Those of you, who have no means and power to be bound by intimate ties with believing women inaccessible without the covenant, let them live with those that are dependent on you, from your believing servants. And God is most knowing about your faith.

Another point that can be confusing is the instruction to give the woman compensation – “ujur“. But this has already been explained above, in the third paragraph, about the rules of intimate relations, where compensation is an integral procedure.

In the Muslim world, there is permission to have concubines in unlimited quantities. This rule allows without entering into a full marriage, to have an intimate relationship with a female slave. However, on closer examination of this theme, a different picture appears throughout the Quran.

In the passage, there is clear prescription for intimate relationships with maidens to be preceded by reward. Another argument in favor of full relations with the slaves is the following:

And do not have intimate relationships with women, who ascribe partners to God until they believe that there is only one God. And a believing slave woman is better than the one, who ascribe partners to God, even though she might please you. And do not have intimate relationships with men, who ascribe partners to God, until they believe that there is only one God. And a believing slave is better than the one, who ascribe partners to God, even though he might please you. Those who ascribe partners to God invite to the fire, but God invites to the garden and to forgiveness, by His permission. And He makes clear His signs to the people that perhaps they may remember! (2:221)

The difference between a free woman and a servant is only in their social status. The existing status does not in any way affect the attitude towards a person, more over it does not affect an intimacy. If there was freedom in the intimate relationship between the master and the slave, the following passage would be illogical:

O you who have believed! Let those who are dependent on you and those who have not reached puberty among you ask permission of you at three times: before the dawn prayer and when you put aside your clothing at noon and after the night prayer, – three times of privacy for you. There is no offense upon you nor upon them, for they continually circulate among you. You are for each other. Thus does God make clear to you the signs! God is Knowing and Wise! (24:58)

Why will you be embarrassed by a person with whom an open relationship is allowed? Such behavior is not common between spouses, and the dependent woman, judging by tradition, can quite replace her. Moreover, God forbids forcing dependent women to sexual intimacy:

But let them who find not means for intimacy abstain until God enriches them from His bounty.

And those who seek a contract for emancipation from among whom dependent on you – then make a contract with them if you know there is within them goodness. Give them from the wealth of God which He has given you.

And do not compel your servants to lechery, if they desire chastity, to seek the journeys of worldly life. And if someone should compel them, then indeed, after their compulsion, God is Forgiving and Merciful! (24:33)

In addition to Muslims, Muslims are allowed to marry with the holders of the previous to Quran Prescriptions – the Torah, the Psalter and the Gospel.

This day you are allowed: all good foods, the food of those who were given the Prescription is lawful for you and your food is lawful for them, and women unapproachable without the covenant from among the believers and women unapproachable without the covenant from among those who were given the Prescription before you, when you have given them their due compensation, being unapproachable without the covenant, not depraved and not taking lovers. (5:5)

However, this place raises the following questions. With what kind of women, from the holders of the Prescription can Muslims enter into an intimate relationship with? It is not a secret that many representatives of Christianity recognize the two-, three-unity of God, which is categorically rejected by God in the Quran and is considered polytheism.

They have certainly closed themselves who say, “God is the anointed, the son of Mary!” while the anointed has said, “O children of Israel! Serve God, my Lord and your Lord! Indeed, he who associates others with God – God has forbidden him the garden, and his refuge is the fire. And there are not for the obscurantists any helpers!” (5:72)

After all, there is also a ban on marriage with those who associate partners to God, and this may seem at first glance a contradiction in the Quran. The answer to this is trivial, all holders of the Prescription before the Quran are allowed to be married with, those who do not divide the hypostasis of God into parts. This is akin to consumed food. In addition to pork, blood and corpse, other animals and plants are allowed to eat. However, if you just devote them to someone else besides God, they immediately become forbidden for consumption. Not all representatives of Christianity accept the two-, three-unity of God. As well as practically all Jews, a considerable number of Christians believe in the only undivided hypostasis of God. This situation pushes Muslims to take an interest in the doctrines of the holders of the Prescription, which presupposes a high education for believers. Perhaps a keen interest in the representatives of other Abrahamic religions will smooth the sharp angles and prejudices in the views.

Polygamy

The theme of polygamy raises a stormy debate. At the state level, the question of the legitimization of polygamy is being discussed. There is only one extract that serves as the permission to have intimate relations with several women for Muslims:

And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphans, then marry those that please you of orphan women: two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then be content with one or the one dependent on you. That is more suitable that you may not incline to injustice. And give the women their due compensation graciously. But if they give up willingly to you anything of it, then take it in satisfaction and ease. (4:3-4)

This provision has a social direction, designed to address the problem of women orphans. Mostly, orphans appear in post-war societies, and an intimate life with obligations with a few orphans can relieve social tension, for God in the Quran pays special attention to orphans:

And they request from you, a ruling concerning women.

Say, “God gives you a ruling about them in what has been recited to you in the Prescription concerning the orphan girls to whom you do not give what is decreed for them – and yet you desire to have intimate relationships with them – and concerning the oppressed among children and that you maintain for children in balance. And whatever you do of good – indeed, God is ever Knowing of it!” (4:127)

The following fact is interesting. God tells people that they cannot be fair with several wives and calls not to leave them in limbo:

And you will never be able to be equal between wives, even if you would strive. So do not incline completely and leave her hanging. And if you amend the situation and be circumspect – then indeed, God is ever Forgiving and Merciful! (4:129)

This place shows a method of avoiding injustice towards the wife. If this does not happen, then justice is not restored. The conclusion must be made by everyone himself.

Divorce

Unfortunately, people cannot always get along with each other. A similar situation in the Quran is described by the Almighty as follows:

And if they decide on divorce – then indeed, God is Hearing and Knowing. (2:227)

Divorced women remain in waiting for three menstrual periods, and it is not lawful for them to conceal what God has created in their wombs if they believe God and the last day. Herewith, return is justified to women if they want reconciliation. And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree over them. And God is Exalted in Might and Wise… (2:228)

Divorce is twice. Then, either keep in an acceptable manner or release with good treatment. And it is not lawful for you to take anything of what you have given them unless both fear that they will not be able to keep within the limits of God. But if you fear that they will not keep within the limits of God, then there is no offence upon either of them concerning to compensate a man. These are the limits of God. So do not transgress them! And whoever transgresses the limits of God – it is those who are the obscurantists. (2:229)

And if he has divorced her for the third time, then she is not lawful to him afterward until she has intimate relationships with a husband other than him. And if the latter husband divorces her, there is no offence upon the woman and her former husband for returning to each other if they think that they can keep within the limits of God. These are the limits of God, which He makes clear to a people who know. (2:230)

And when you divorce women and they have fulfilled their term, do not prevent them from having intimate relationships with their husbands if they agree among themselves on an acceptable basis. That is an exhortation to whoever of you believes God and the last day. This is spiritually purer for you and physically cleaner. God knows and you know not. (2:232)

There is no offence upon you if you divorce women you have not touched nor specified for them an obligation. But give them – the wealthy according to his capability and the poor according to his capability – a provision according to what is acceptable, a duty upon the doers of good. And if you divorce them before you have touched them and you have already specified for them an obligation, then half of what you specified – unless they forego the right or the one in whose hand is the intimate contract foregoes it. And to forego it is nearer to circumspection. And do not forget graciousness between you. Indeed God, of whatever you do, is Seeing. (2:236-237)

But if you want to replace one wife with another and you have given one of them a great wealth do not take from it anything. Would you take it with slander and manifest sin?! (4:20)

O, you who have believed! When you are going to have an intimate relationships with believing women and then divorce them before you have touched them, then there is not for you any waiting period to count concerning them. So provide for them and give them a gracious release! (33:49)

Place of marriage

To date, Muslims practice two types of marriage: a registry office and a mosque (and sometimes by just a group of believers, where the “nikyah” rite is held according to tradition). Which of them is legitimate before God? Consider the following excerpt:

And if you divorce them before you have touched them and you have already specified for them an obligation, then half of what you specified – unless they forego the right or the one in whose hand is the intimate contract foregoes it. And to forego it is nearer to circumspection. And do not forget graciousness between you. Indeed God, of whatever you do, is Seeing. (2:237)

When concluding a contract between a man and a woman, a third party is required who has the power to enforce a marriage contract. Today, only state have such opportunities, which has delegated its authority to the registry office. Moreover, according to the laws of the state, as a result of intimate relations without registration in the registry office, in the case of birth of a child, a woman and a child have the right to alimony. The state even without registration in the registry office is able to collect alimony from parents. The mosque or simply believers do not have levers of influence on either side. That is, in the event of problems between married people, the mullah or any other believer does not have the legal force to collect alimony, divide up property, defend the rights of the parties, etc. In fact, the rite “nikyah” in the mosque has only a nominal value, and in fact the relationship between a man and a woman is regulated by the state through laws. The difference is that when registering a relationship, a woman, as well as children, has property rights to her husband’s wealth, whereas outside the registration she cannot claim an inheritance.

Relations without state registration are more suited to widows or dependent, limited in rights people:

Intimate relationships are for the widow of you and your corrected servants and maidservants. If they should be poor, God will enrich them from His bounty! God is all-Encompassing and Knowing! (24:32)

Here the following logic can be traced: widows in most cases already have their property, and often already have children. They mostly seek to brighten up the loneliness. They have no reason to claim for each other’s property and have additional children. Therefore, they do not need registration in the registry office. Of course, if the couple is still young, if there is an intention to have children, then registration for them is preferable. The same situation is with dependent, deprived people. Usually such people do not have any property and real estate, that’s why for woman there is nothing to claim. And the children born automatically are protected by the state.

The Quran about intimate relationships

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